Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Falling Asleep

I hate how little demons of my past taunt me at night while I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.

My thoughts can be so loud in the dark that it seems like the room is full of people. I think about the stupid mistakes I´ve made in the past and the people who I´ve let down or disappointed. I´m not sure how my mind decides which mistakes to recall each night. Usually they aren´t big and didn´t have terrible repercussions but my mind has a weird way of picking out the embarrassing moments for me to relive.

Last night I was thinking about my high school yearbook advisor who put so much trust in me and gave me privileges beyond the average student. I took advantage of his trust and I used his name to get myself out of trouble. I remember the day he quietly let me know that he was aware I was using his name and signature to skip classes. I was embarrassed at the time but not so much about what I did, but simply that I was caught doing it. Six years later I still can see his face and hear his voice and feel the shame of letting a respected friend and mentor down.

I am so far away from Green Bay but once the darkness hits my room I am taken back to mistakes I made so many years ago in a place thousands of miles away. I hope that the uncomfortable feelings these memories stir up serve as reminders so that my mistakes weren´t in vain. Maybe it´s somewhat calming that I still carry those lessons with me. That my mistakes served a purpose and that I remember that I´m not the same person who once made those decisions.

3 comments:

  1. Kar, you're human...and to err is just that - human! Your awareness of all of this (mistakes, life lessons, etc.) is evidence of how wickedly mature you are. I know I wasn't at your age. Te admiro, Karita bonita. :) Abrazos a ti de mi.

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  2. Did you apologize? Do you think he felt you were sincere (the yearbook advisor, I mean)? Have you ever seen/spoken to him since? I've known lots of teachers, had several amazingly qualified mentors... At one time or another, we let people we know and/or love down in some way. If you want to test the depth of your learning, tell him what you just blogged today: confess how much you regret, how much you are haunted by having disappointed, how much you loathe the poor, selfish choice. After all these years, he may appreciate the words and gesture more than you find it relieves you of the ghosts of regret in the darkness. More advice from the depths of middle age, Kari: face demons; punch them in the f****** face. Don't let your regrets make you their bitch. You know?

    In my opinion, you are pretty damn highly evolved for a 21-year-old human. And I still think you'd make a helluva kick-boxer.

    "Peace be with you."

    EF

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  3. Kari-oso,
    I read something not too long ago about speaking to our mountains. I thought it was kind of cool about meeting our challenges head on.

    Another thought, just as we need to forgive others; we also need to forgive ourselves.

    I'm with Everett - I think you'd make a helluva kick-boxer! (And I'm glad I'm on your team!)

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