I hate how little demons of my past taunt me at night while I lay in bed trying to fall asleep.
My thoughts can be so loud in the dark that it seems like the room is full of people. I think about the stupid mistakes I´ve made in the past and the people who I´ve let down or disappointed. I´m not sure how my mind decides which mistakes to recall each night. Usually they aren´t big and didn´t have terrible repercussions but my mind has a weird way of picking out the embarrassing moments for me to relive.
Last night I was thinking about my high school yearbook advisor who put so much trust in me and gave me privileges beyond the average student. I took advantage of his trust and I used his name to get myself out of trouble. I remember the day he quietly let me know that he was aware I was using his name and signature to skip classes. I was embarrassed at the time but not so much about what I did, but simply that I was caught doing it. Six years later I still can see his face and hear his voice and feel the shame of letting a respected friend and mentor down.
I am so far away from Green Bay but once the darkness hits my room I am taken back to mistakes I made so many years ago in a place thousands of miles away. I hope that the uncomfortable feelings these memories stir up serve as reminders so that my mistakes weren´t in vain. Maybe it´s somewhat calming that I still carry those lessons with me. That my mistakes served a purpose and that I remember that I´m not the same person who once made those decisions.